why does it have to be so confusing

tired of wasting so much breath

tired of spending time on something im unsure of

tired so tired

not sleeping

nightmares every night

every few hours

ruining our nights

what is my life

why does it have to be so confusing

i keep trying to break up

i can hear him outside sobbing to his mom on the phone

all day i have tried

deep scars fresh from a lashing

i have nothing left to lose

my family hates me

my job ends next week

all of my debt is pounding on my door and im not doing anything about it

i am not attractive

i make no one happy

this was only a matter of time

i wonder how long we'll have to share this space before we can get out

theres no point in staying here anymore

ill probably just disappear instead

buster

is my fave

i really just want to be closer

i want to be better friends

i wish we had had more time before we went so far so fast

i cant go back

we cant take steps back

i dont know how to ease into happiness now that we're so far fucked

all i do is- SHUT THE FUCK UP

im tired of talking shit here like it helps me out.

things are going so great that i invent ways to be angry and reasons to go too far.

it's an unhealthy cycle of me not saying what bothers me out loud but putting it in a secret far away place that means nothing.


I'M AFRAID THAT I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR BRADLEY.

I'M AFRAID THAT SOON ENOUGH HE WILL REALIZE THIS TOO.

I'M AFRAID THAT MY INSECURITIES PREVENT ME FROM SHARING A PURE LOVE WITH BRADLEY.

I KNOW THAT I AM IN MY OWN WAY.

its only right that i be left again and again of my own will

he started doing all the things ive asked him to

he cleaned up all his stuff

he's mailing his records

his life is already ten times better without me

who am i to stop the right thing from happening

its only right that i be left again and again of my own will

do i really want to break up?

i need a schedule

and i need him to have a schedule

all this freedom is making us angry


i made a mistake

i told him to leave


what will i do without him?

he's washing the dishes

not talking to me

feels like he's just making sure he ties up all loose ends

im afraid he'll tell somebody

im afraid he'll enjoy being without me


i have to go stop him


i dont want to be alone, i just need some alone time

things are not going well

he wants to go to sf this summer.

you mean the place we just ran away from?

just for fun.

with my money?

i need a car to secure my job with the parks n rec dept.

doesnt matter to me.

i hate everything

i miss college

i teared up at the store today when tom petty said the future was wide open and the sky was limit.

i remember that

in my dream

bradley held my hand and told me he chose jeanette.

this morning i look over and theyre chatting online.

i hate everyone.

i wish my boyfriend looked at me more

im lonely

im losing my mind

in my dream i could hear bradley on the phone with a girl, a friend from home maybe. near the end of their conversation he walked to the bedroom to finish up in private. i came near the door and through a crack i heard him say, "i love you." i lunged at him, "what the fuck?! who is that?!" he ran out of the house and i woke up screaming.

he comes into the bedroom.

after a short while of, "everything's ok?" he goes right in to telling me that his pay check for $600 will only be $300 and then defends his boss to me.

i haven't had a moment to think of anything else.

i go online, i have to look for jobs. facebook opens and the first thing on my feed is bradley-"happy birthday!"- to jeanette.

jeanette drove bradley to work every day. paul, bradley's best friend, when we first started dating, would allude to how bradley likes asians. he would always mention if he saw a hot asian girl, "like the ones you like, bro." jeannette would cry to bradley when her and her boyfriend would fight, then they would go out to lunch together and he would console her. an experience i would kill for from him.

he wonders why i get so annoyed and frustrated, and truly these are the only thoughts ive been allowed to think since waking up.

the day begins with doubt and stress, jealousy and anger.

im not long for this world.

pattern

its only a matter of time before he leaves me

fucking christ, im so goddamn jealous

i hate my boyfriend. he works as a designer. he stares at naked chicks all day and then finds faults with them and fixes them. when hes not doing that he looks at a message board loaded with posts of naked chicks, including other people's girlfriend's tits, posted by users. and when hes not doing that he looks at boobies.com and whatever other porno websites out there. i hate my body. he makes me hate it more. what am i doing? i hate everything. i should be alone. forever.


im just pissed because i havent had any time alone from him and his mom in a few days.

i dont have a job.

we're in debt.

im on my period.

everything makes me mad.

today i watched bradley over my computer from which i was looking at job postings and saw him scrolling through a message board post until he came to a chick in a thong on a waterfall.

its fucking annoying and makes me so angry.

i know it was a board about a movie and i know he wasnt intentionally looking up chicks (this time) but the fact that i know that he does and i saw it

im rage.

im lonely.

im trapped.

i want my boyfriend to love me.

i want a life that means something.

this blog sucks

rage in my soul.

i need some time at home alone. i need to watch frasier.

i wish everyone were smarter.

i want to force brainwash education.

my head hurts.

waking up is the hardest part

i cant think of a worse feeling than waking up to whispers outside of your bedroom being shared by bradley and his mom talking shit about me and how we live.

ripping me apart

im trying so hard to imagine the world as decomposing

if i can just think of everything as falling apart always, maybe i wont allow myself to be disappointed

things fall apart, break, explode, avalanche, erupt, shift, swell, tumble, change

accidents happen, everyone makes mistakes, coincidence, deja vu

if i accept that im fucked ill feel better

we hear this all the time

nihilism, fucking fight club

be numb

harder said than done

but i continue to try to play this image of shingles being ripped off the roof by a tornado but the roof is the earth and the tornado is its orbit and it keeps regrowing underneath like the skin on my hands or a sunburn

like a sunburn the earth is shedding dead skin and to try to be or find happiness is the great mistake

happiness is the coincidence

acceptance is the hard part.

awesome

bradley hates me.

no more crying

i'm jealous

i'm tired