i have ruined everything

i need help. please.

i'm losing touch with myself?

missing

guh.

living together. all i want is to hang out all the time and be around him all the time. is this hurting our relationship though? he used to be excited to see me. we used to go out. i feel like im losing him.
i know im not.
he wouldnt go anywhere. i just mean, losing interest. i want to excite. im just so dead lately.
loneliness is eating me, debt, discomfort. sf is bogus. i need $$$$$$$$$$$$.

im going to make some music. please give me positive attention.

every single day

i just keep crying. my face hurts so bad.
it wont stop. im solving every problem i can think to solve and im still so sad.
i have no one else to talk to. this isnt fair to bradley.
im so lonely.
im afraid bradleys friends are going to start noticing that i dont have any.
havent had a phone call in days.
yesterday i was just a wet heap on the floor in the bedroom when bradley came home.
im just so lonely.
this is why people get pregnant.

everything is so great

and i am so depressed

business idea

a cook book

about how to

reheat left-overs

in a way

that makes them

even

better

than

the first time.

love love

so much love talk to talk:

last weekend bradley and i went to a skate video premiere

great time, got wasted

after, on the walk home bradley told me he was going to marry me some day.

im in san jose this weekend for labor day with my dad

he wrote a song for my step bro's wedding and we are going to sing together

also found out he wrote a song about me and berg back in the day when we came to visit him. about summer lovin and how its good but fleeting.

and now, the kicker:

he also wrote a song about how my mom cheated on him...

never knew.

i've actually never asked either of them why they got divorced.

in my memory, they fought a lot, my dad worked in california, i remember them hitting each other once... it just made sense they would separate.

anyway, quite overwhelming all of it.

every piece of this post is as shocking and world shattering as anything ever could be. sorry i can't do it justice by explanation. i'm just quite, surprised i guess at my own cosmic hoopty ride this weekend.