waking up is the hardest part

i cant think of a worse feeling than waking up to whispers outside of your bedroom being shared by bradley and his mom talking shit about me and how we live.

ripping me apart

im trying so hard to imagine the world as decomposing

if i can just think of everything as falling apart always, maybe i wont allow myself to be disappointed

things fall apart, break, explode, avalanche, erupt, shift, swell, tumble, change

accidents happen, everyone makes mistakes, coincidence, deja vu

if i accept that im fucked ill feel better

we hear this all the time

nihilism, fucking fight club

be numb

harder said than done

but i continue to try to play this image of shingles being ripped off the roof by a tornado but the roof is the earth and the tornado is its orbit and it keeps regrowing underneath like the skin on my hands or a sunburn

like a sunburn the earth is shedding dead skin and to try to be or find happiness is the great mistake

happiness is the coincidence

acceptance is the hard part.

awesome

bradley hates me.

no more crying

i'm jealous

i'm tired

got it

i was thinking this idea in my head that i go to a dr. and i tell her, "ive been getting these headaches and im always tired no matter how much i sleep and ive lost my appetite and im depressed and i stay home all the time and etc..." and the dr. says to me, "i know what the problem is," and i say, "really doc? what is it?" and she says, "you're poor."

wah wah wah all the way home

i dont know what else to say,

i dont want to be here