im losing my mind

in my dream i could hear bradley on the phone with a girl, a friend from home maybe. near the end of their conversation he walked to the bedroom to finish up in private. i came near the door and through a crack i heard him say, "i love you." i lunged at him, "what the fuck?! who is that?!" he ran out of the house and i woke up screaming.

he comes into the bedroom.

after a short while of, "everything's ok?" he goes right in to telling me that his pay check for $600 will only be $300 and then defends his boss to me.

i haven't had a moment to think of anything else.

i go online, i have to look for jobs. facebook opens and the first thing on my feed is bradley-"happy birthday!"- to jeanette.

jeanette drove bradley to work every day. paul, bradley's best friend, when we first started dating, would allude to how bradley likes asians. he would always mention if he saw a hot asian girl, "like the ones you like, bro." jeannette would cry to bradley when her and her boyfriend would fight, then they would go out to lunch together and he would console her. an experience i would kill for from him.

he wonders why i get so annoyed and frustrated, and truly these are the only thoughts ive been allowed to think since waking up.

the day begins with doubt and stress, jealousy and anger.

im not long for this world.

pattern

its only a matter of time before he leaves me

fucking christ, im so goddamn jealous

i hate my boyfriend. he works as a designer. he stares at naked chicks all day and then finds faults with them and fixes them. when hes not doing that he looks at a message board loaded with posts of naked chicks, including other people's girlfriend's tits, posted by users. and when hes not doing that he looks at boobies.com and whatever other porno websites out there. i hate my body. he makes me hate it more. what am i doing? i hate everything. i should be alone. forever.


im just pissed because i havent had any time alone from him and his mom in a few days.

i dont have a job.

we're in debt.

im on my period.

everything makes me mad.

today i watched bradley over my computer from which i was looking at job postings and saw him scrolling through a message board post until he came to a chick in a thong on a waterfall.

its fucking annoying and makes me so angry.

i know it was a board about a movie and i know he wasnt intentionally looking up chicks (this time) but the fact that i know that he does and i saw it

im rage.

im lonely.

im trapped.

i want my boyfriend to love me.

i want a life that means something.

this blog sucks

rage in my soul.

i need some time at home alone. i need to watch frasier.

i wish everyone were smarter.

i want to force brainwash education.

my head hurts.

waking up is the hardest part

i cant think of a worse feeling than waking up to whispers outside of your bedroom being shared by bradley and his mom talking shit about me and how we live.

ripping me apart

im trying so hard to imagine the world as decomposing

if i can just think of everything as falling apart always, maybe i wont allow myself to be disappointed

things fall apart, break, explode, avalanche, erupt, shift, swell, tumble, change

accidents happen, everyone makes mistakes, coincidence, deja vu

if i accept that im fucked ill feel better

we hear this all the time

nihilism, fucking fight club

be numb

harder said than done

but i continue to try to play this image of shingles being ripped off the roof by a tornado but the roof is the earth and the tornado is its orbit and it keeps regrowing underneath like the skin on my hands or a sunburn

like a sunburn the earth is shedding dead skin and to try to be or find happiness is the great mistake

happiness is the coincidence

acceptance is the hard part.

awesome

bradley hates me.