but really, what should i do...?

i'm still crying.

it hasn't stoppe yet.

i wonder if it will keep coming until we move.

i get so tunnel visioned that i cant tell when things are actually improving.

im not at a job i hate right now. im in my comfy bed, in a clean house, because i had time, because i wasnt at work.

im just so dissatisfied with my life so easily.

i want more.

i want to be singing.

really thats like where this post ends and my life begins but its just not real.

so bc i dont do what i really want, (singing), im constantly trying to cover for myself with new exciting things to make me feel skilled in some other way. bc i know it and you must know it by now that that really is all i will ever have going for myself.

so fuck.

i hate it here, i have to go. my motto.

i hate waiting.

its so hard being attached to another person.

i struggle constantly with myself as to if im being to sacrificial or too selfish at any given time. i dont know how to not put me first.

i feel like an asshole.

do you remember when i was happy?????

i swear to god i remember being happy. there was sun on my face and my feet in the grass and im surrounded by people i love and there is food and drink and games and everyone WANTS to be there. WHERE ARE YOU PLEASE COME BACK