i know all i do is complain
i want to cut it out
i want to get me back
i want to do yoga
i want to be in the sun
i have to stop allowing myself to get carried away in my head
trust
if you get lied to, deal
just trust so you can sleep at night
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
but really, what should i do...?
i'm still crying.
it hasn't stoppe yet.
i wonder if it will keep coming until we move.
i get so tunnel visioned that i cant tell when things are actually improving.
im not at a job i hate right now. im in my comfy bed, in a clean house, because i had time, because i wasnt at work.
im just so dissatisfied with my life so easily.
i want more.
i want to be singing.
really thats like where this post ends and my life begins but its just not real.
so bc i dont do what i really want, (singing), im constantly trying to cover for myself with new exciting things to make me feel skilled in some other way. bc i know it and you must know it by now that that really is all i will ever have going for myself.
so fuck.
i hate it here, i have to go. my motto.
i hate waiting.
its so hard being attached to another person.
i struggle constantly with myself as to if im being to sacrificial or too selfish at any given time. i dont know how to not put me first.
i feel like an asshole.
do you remember when i was happy?????
i swear to god i remember being happy. there was sun on my face and my feet in the grass and im surrounded by people i love and there is food and drink and games and everyone WANTS to be there. WHERE ARE YOU PLEASE COME BACK
it hasn't stoppe yet.
i wonder if it will keep coming until we move.
i get so tunnel visioned that i cant tell when things are actually improving.
im not at a job i hate right now. im in my comfy bed, in a clean house, because i had time, because i wasnt at work.
im just so dissatisfied with my life so easily.
i want more.
i want to be singing.
really thats like where this post ends and my life begins but its just not real.
so bc i dont do what i really want, (singing), im constantly trying to cover for myself with new exciting things to make me feel skilled in some other way. bc i know it and you must know it by now that that really is all i will ever have going for myself.
so fuck.
i hate it here, i have to go. my motto.
i hate waiting.
its so hard being attached to another person.
i struggle constantly with myself as to if im being to sacrificial or too selfish at any given time. i dont know how to not put me first.
i feel like an asshole.
do you remember when i was happy?????
i swear to god i remember being happy. there was sun on my face and my feet in the grass and im surrounded by people i love and there is food and drink and games and everyone WANTS to be there. WHERE ARE YOU PLEASE COME BACK
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
soooooooooo wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll uhhhhhhhhhhhh
fuck.
hmmmm.
sooo
well i want to move. i quit my job. im unemployed again in san francisco. im reading a stephen sondheim script. im designing the set for a teen production from the harvey milk center at the randall museum. i need to go check out the space. its only a twenty minute walk. it wont happen today.
i already did all the dishes, made the bed in the second bedroom, made our bed, folded and put away all laundry, took down the xmas tree, cleaned the tables, cleaned the bong, played with the cat, ignored my texts, checked my email, applied for jobs, answered surveys for focus groups, smoked weed, played with hi-lighters, practiced writing lucille difoggio 100 times, watered the plants, weighed myself, ate nothing, poured water into a glass that stares at me from across the room, set up a desk in my room, and avoided reading the script.
i told my job i was done. i left early and i didnt come back. instead i went to the hmc and talked to this dude patrick about volunteering. he gave me nicola's card and i went home and emailed her. then i called my boss and told them it was over for good. the next morning i went to the hmc and spoke with nicola over an hour. i will be volunteering my services to the show Saturday Night for this month. in the future i will be technical director for another show? or perhaps the same show? she mentioned a stipend. the hmc is under the recreation and parks dept which i had aplied to in nov. i turned down the interview bc it was only parttime position. maybe an hr before this interview i happened to resubmit my application and call and leave a voicemail for this woman katherine dere. nicola told me she works with katherine dere and they handle all interviewing and hiring. she will rush my application and be a reference for me.
i should be happy. this is right. i just want it secured.
and i really need us to be abe to pay our rent this month.
bradley is having to sell records to cover his part of the rent bc we're just barely there. i borrowed $200 from my mom to cover a water bill and make it so we could eat this month...but its going toward rent. bradley is struggling. he works so much but he has so many bills of his own to try to keep up with. i know we will make it work but knowing that i onyl have one more paycheck coming to me before im absolutely out of cash is frightening.
we've been in much deeper water before.
we can do anything.
the real weight on my shoulders now is getting to portland.
i calculate we buy a car somewhere around $2500-$3000. something that can get us there and get us through. we want a truck.
then we get a trailer if necessary to haul any furniture etc that cant fit in the truck, somewhere around $175.
moving into a new place, even though in portland where it is so much cheaper, still requires a deposit and in a lot of cases 1st AND last month's rent. we're looking somewhere in the $2500 range.
then we have to have some savings to get ourselves groceries and toiletries for moving in which is like $300.
seems to me like we need $5500 to move.
divided by two is still $2750. and i DONT have a job any more............
why am i stressin? i moved here with $300.
cmon
we got this.
and we have time.
it just all seems too much to think about right now.
i should smoke and read and not read and wait.
hmmmm.
sooo
well i want to move. i quit my job. im unemployed again in san francisco. im reading a stephen sondheim script. im designing the set for a teen production from the harvey milk center at the randall museum. i need to go check out the space. its only a twenty minute walk. it wont happen today.
i already did all the dishes, made the bed in the second bedroom, made our bed, folded and put away all laundry, took down the xmas tree, cleaned the tables, cleaned the bong, played with the cat, ignored my texts, checked my email, applied for jobs, answered surveys for focus groups, smoked weed, played with hi-lighters, practiced writing lucille difoggio 100 times, watered the plants, weighed myself, ate nothing, poured water into a glass that stares at me from across the room, set up a desk in my room, and avoided reading the script.
i told my job i was done. i left early and i didnt come back. instead i went to the hmc and talked to this dude patrick about volunteering. he gave me nicola's card and i went home and emailed her. then i called my boss and told them it was over for good. the next morning i went to the hmc and spoke with nicola over an hour. i will be volunteering my services to the show Saturday Night for this month. in the future i will be technical director for another show? or perhaps the same show? she mentioned a stipend. the hmc is under the recreation and parks dept which i had aplied to in nov. i turned down the interview bc it was only parttime position. maybe an hr before this interview i happened to resubmit my application and call and leave a voicemail for this woman katherine dere. nicola told me she works with katherine dere and they handle all interviewing and hiring. she will rush my application and be a reference for me.
i should be happy. this is right. i just want it secured.
and i really need us to be abe to pay our rent this month.
bradley is having to sell records to cover his part of the rent bc we're just barely there. i borrowed $200 from my mom to cover a water bill and make it so we could eat this month...but its going toward rent. bradley is struggling. he works so much but he has so many bills of his own to try to keep up with. i know we will make it work but knowing that i onyl have one more paycheck coming to me before im absolutely out of cash is frightening.
we've been in much deeper water before.
we can do anything.
the real weight on my shoulders now is getting to portland.
i calculate we buy a car somewhere around $2500-$3000. something that can get us there and get us through. we want a truck.
then we get a trailer if necessary to haul any furniture etc that cant fit in the truck, somewhere around $175.
moving into a new place, even though in portland where it is so much cheaper, still requires a deposit and in a lot of cases 1st AND last month's rent. we're looking somewhere in the $2500 range.
then we have to have some savings to get ourselves groceries and toiletries for moving in which is like $300.
seems to me like we need $5500 to move.
divided by two is still $2750. and i DONT have a job any more............
why am i stressin? i moved here with $300.
cmon
we got this.
and we have time.
it just all seems too much to think about right now.
i should smoke and read and not read and wait.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
missing
guh.
living together. all i want is to hang out all the time and be around him all the time. is this hurting our relationship though? he used to be excited to see me. we used to go out. i feel like im losing him.
i know im not.
he wouldnt go anywhere. i just mean, losing interest. i want to excite. im just so dead lately.
loneliness is eating me, debt, discomfort. sf is bogus. i need $$$$$$$$$$$$.
im going to make some music. please give me positive attention.
living together. all i want is to hang out all the time and be around him all the time. is this hurting our relationship though? he used to be excited to see me. we used to go out. i feel like im losing him.
i know im not.
he wouldnt go anywhere. i just mean, losing interest. i want to excite. im just so dead lately.
loneliness is eating me, debt, discomfort. sf is bogus. i need $$$$$$$$$$$$.
im going to make some music. please give me positive attention.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
every single day
i just keep crying. my face hurts so bad.
it wont stop. im solving every problem i can think to solve and im still so sad.
i have no one else to talk to. this isnt fair to bradley.
im so lonely.
im afraid bradleys friends are going to start noticing that i dont have any.
havent had a phone call in days.
yesterday i was just a wet heap on the floor in the bedroom when bradley came home.
im just so lonely.
this is why people get pregnant.
it wont stop. im solving every problem i can think to solve and im still so sad.
i have no one else to talk to. this isnt fair to bradley.
im so lonely.
im afraid bradleys friends are going to start noticing that i dont have any.
havent had a phone call in days.
yesterday i was just a wet heap on the floor in the bedroom when bradley came home.
im just so lonely.
this is why people get pregnant.
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