three jobs. all suck. all pay nothing.
many dates. no prospects.
good friends. bad feelings.
bouts of inspiration.
would like to make a task list of art projects and set deadlines.
examples:
re-decorate room
collage those styrofoam mannequins sitting in my room
hang poster
clean frames
sew up holes in all my rat clothes
finish writing this play
build props out of cardboard
make a terrarium
make an urban cowgirl outfit
paint my freaking nails
use lotion
learn to do makeup and DO it
cut my hair
wash my clothes and sheets more frequently
god this list is getting too real.
im feeling so strange.
had a talk tonight on my "date" with alex joseph about how some people are sooo focused on their career goals and where they envision their future selves with regards to their wealth and accomplishments, and others are sooo consumed in love and that is the only thing that matters and all other aspects of their lives are just to enhance the time they can spend together with their love.
i spend all my time equally dissatisfied in both. and perpetually thinking about how to better accomplish them both. and changing. constantly.
all the time i am thinking about boys and this partner in crime and this bff bf that will be my other me. but at the same time i am always thinking about all the things i must next accomplish in this tiny tiny time and whereas i can pretend it is my priorities causing my success in my travels, i dont know that its not just me that makes the boys run away so quickly after beginning anything. i could argue that i am too driven by my ideas of what will make me happy to focus my attention on attracting a mate, but then i can also argue that i spend much of my time flirting and dressing up and acting interesting and thinking of jokes and being super cute and impressive and still being alone. i want a man that wants to adventure with me on whims and in hurries, jumping at the same opportunities as me for whatever reason. saying yes. and because whatever it is we'll have each other so it will be a worthwhile experience, and sexy.
2010 has been such a year of balance. everything has to be a lot this and a lot that. and unfortunately, i need to be a lot independent right now. i'm assuming this will then lead to a lot partnership after while.
i'd love to stop eating.
i had four bowls of cereal today. there was something in the malt o meal capn crunch, "Berry Crackles," that just had me coming back bowl after bowl today.
god help me.
i want to stay up late with someone outside.
accepting applications.
