why does it have to be so confusing

tired of wasting so much breath

tired of spending time on something im unsure of

tired so tired

not sleeping

nightmares every night

every few hours

ruining our nights

what is my life

why does it have to be so confusing

i keep trying to break up

i can hear him outside sobbing to his mom on the phone

all day i have tried

deep scars fresh from a lashing

i have nothing left to lose

my family hates me

my job ends next week

all of my debt is pounding on my door and im not doing anything about it

i am not attractive

i make no one happy

this was only a matter of time

i wonder how long we'll have to share this space before we can get out

theres no point in staying here anymore

ill probably just disappear instead

buster

is my fave

i really just want to be closer

i want to be better friends

i wish we had had more time before we went so far so fast

i cant go back

we cant take steps back

i dont know how to ease into happiness now that we're so far fucked

all i do is- SHUT THE FUCK UP

im tired of talking shit here like it helps me out.

things are going so great that i invent ways to be angry and reasons to go too far.

it's an unhealthy cycle of me not saying what bothers me out loud but putting it in a secret far away place that means nothing.


I'M AFRAID THAT I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR BRADLEY.

I'M AFRAID THAT SOON ENOUGH HE WILL REALIZE THIS TOO.

I'M AFRAID THAT MY INSECURITIES PREVENT ME FROM SHARING A PURE LOVE WITH BRADLEY.

I KNOW THAT I AM IN MY OWN WAY.

its only right that i be left again and again of my own will

he started doing all the things ive asked him to

he cleaned up all his stuff

he's mailing his records

his life is already ten times better without me

who am i to stop the right thing from happening

its only right that i be left again and again of my own will

do i really want to break up?

i need a schedule

and i need him to have a schedule

all this freedom is making us angry


i made a mistake

i told him to leave


what will i do without him?

he's washing the dishes

not talking to me

feels like he's just making sure he ties up all loose ends

im afraid he'll tell somebody

im afraid he'll enjoy being without me


i have to go stop him


i dont want to be alone, i just need some alone time

things are not going well

he wants to go to sf this summer.

you mean the place we just ran away from?

just for fun.

with my money?

i need a car to secure my job with the parks n rec dept.

doesnt matter to me.

i hate everything

i miss college

i teared up at the store today when tom petty said the future was wide open and the sky was limit.

i remember that

in my dream

bradley held my hand and told me he chose jeanette.

this morning i look over and theyre chatting online.

i hate everyone.

i wish my boyfriend looked at me more

im lonely

im losing my mind

in my dream i could hear bradley on the phone with a girl, a friend from home maybe. near the end of their conversation he walked to the bedroom to finish up in private. i came near the door and through a crack i heard him say, "i love you." i lunged at him, "what the fuck?! who is that?!" he ran out of the house and i woke up screaming.

he comes into the bedroom.

after a short while of, "everything's ok?" he goes right in to telling me that his pay check for $600 will only be $300 and then defends his boss to me.

i haven't had a moment to think of anything else.

i go online, i have to look for jobs. facebook opens and the first thing on my feed is bradley-"happy birthday!"- to jeanette.

jeanette drove bradley to work every day. paul, bradley's best friend, when we first started dating, would allude to how bradley likes asians. he would always mention if he saw a hot asian girl, "like the ones you like, bro." jeannette would cry to bradley when her and her boyfriend would fight, then they would go out to lunch together and he would console her. an experience i would kill for from him.

he wonders why i get so annoyed and frustrated, and truly these are the only thoughts ive been allowed to think since waking up.

the day begins with doubt and stress, jealousy and anger.

im not long for this world.

pattern

its only a matter of time before he leaves me

fucking christ, im so goddamn jealous

i hate my boyfriend. he works as a designer. he stares at naked chicks all day and then finds faults with them and fixes them. when hes not doing that he looks at a message board loaded with posts of naked chicks, including other people's girlfriend's tits, posted by users. and when hes not doing that he looks at boobies.com and whatever other porno websites out there. i hate my body. he makes me hate it more. what am i doing? i hate everything. i should be alone. forever.


im just pissed because i havent had any time alone from him and his mom in a few days.

i dont have a job.

we're in debt.

im on my period.

everything makes me mad.

today i watched bradley over my computer from which i was looking at job postings and saw him scrolling through a message board post until he came to a chick in a thong on a waterfall.

its fucking annoying and makes me so angry.

i know it was a board about a movie and i know he wasnt intentionally looking up chicks (this time) but the fact that i know that he does and i saw it

im rage.

im lonely.

im trapped.

i want my boyfriend to love me.

i want a life that means something.

this blog sucks

rage in my soul.

i need some time at home alone. i need to watch frasier.

i wish everyone were smarter.

i want to force brainwash education.

my head hurts.

waking up is the hardest part

i cant think of a worse feeling than waking up to whispers outside of your bedroom being shared by bradley and his mom talking shit about me and how we live.

ripping me apart

im trying so hard to imagine the world as decomposing

if i can just think of everything as falling apart always, maybe i wont allow myself to be disappointed

things fall apart, break, explode, avalanche, erupt, shift, swell, tumble, change

accidents happen, everyone makes mistakes, coincidence, deja vu

if i accept that im fucked ill feel better

we hear this all the time

nihilism, fucking fight club

be numb

harder said than done

but i continue to try to play this image of shingles being ripped off the roof by a tornado but the roof is the earth and the tornado is its orbit and it keeps regrowing underneath like the skin on my hands or a sunburn

like a sunburn the earth is shedding dead skin and to try to be or find happiness is the great mistake

happiness is the coincidence

acceptance is the hard part.

awesome

bradley hates me.

no more crying

i'm jealous

i'm tired

got it

i was thinking this idea in my head that i go to a dr. and i tell her, "ive been getting these headaches and im always tired no matter how much i sleep and ive lost my appetite and im depressed and i stay home all the time and etc..." and the dr. says to me, "i know what the problem is," and i say, "really doc? what is it?" and she says, "you're poor."

wah wah wah all the way home

i dont know what else to say,

i dont want to be here

impossible to explain the complexities of this misery

i am such a bitch

this blog is so self loathing

the pain in my head goes like this:
$3 in my bank account
unemployed
no motivation to walk up the hill 20 mins to volunteer for smthg that could turn into work
waking up crying and convulsing from a dream where bradley leaves me
EVERY DAY spraying flea-be-gone, vacuuming, bathing the cat, homeopathic remedies, garlic, etc...and still having 104 flea bites on my body. might as well be chicken pox
i clean and i clean and i clean and it just gets messy
just remembered a dream i had where i found a purse full of quarters and cried with joy that i could do laundry...pathetic
NO FRIENDS
i actually ignore the texts and voicemails from the few who attempt to contact me bc a. i can't afford to hang out b. i cant swallow my pride to admit this c. i dont want to talk about how sad i am, and thats all i am
i want to throw in the towel
im lethargic, apathetic, exhausted...its like the density of space has increased around me and i cannot move through it
i feel as though ive lost myself and my will to live.

this is so retarded.
i have bradley. hes what i want. always wanted. HOW IS THIS NOT WORKING TO MAKE ME HAPPY

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

what the fuck, then?

im hurting him, i know, by being this way. who wants to surround themselves all day with someone who has given up?

it gives me the dreams and the shakes of being left, im setting myself up for this.

i know its about discipline. my mind. reason over emotion. distraction.
i let myself sink into the pain, sado-masochistic.

im a mover.

i want to come home.

a home.

bradley and i, attached garage that we can build skate ramps in, a pug in the yard, buster basking in the sunlight, we drive a truck to work and the grocery store, we have people over for american idol, we have a bbq, i make calls, i take calls, i love my friends...

is that the issue? whats the issue? what is this friend thing????

i love katie AND sophie AND dakota, A TON. why don't i hang out with them? why do they like their jobs? why do they like this city? where are they getting all this money? what do they feel when they wake up in the morning?

instantly i feel anxious. i know that he's going away for ten hours, i know we can only kiss before he's already gone. then it sets in, what am i going to do for the next ten hours? its disgusting to be typing this in its honesty. i used to love alone time, me time. because it was so rare. i would get excited to be alone and just smoke a bowl alone and watch a shitty show, or do a craft project, or cook for myself, or read my book, or (im picturing every one of these activities in my studio in eugene and i think that is a very interesting point to make that i felt my most independent and secure in that space, in that time. if i think about it, i had just been dumped, was working incredibly hard at school and work, a million friends just around the corner, plenty of food and shelter and expenses paid, freedom and transportation.) now every day is a struggle to make it to the end. there are things i can and should do but the drive is not there and the incentive is not there. i try to find ways to pass hours at a time. cooking something can take an hour, showering and shaving can stretch up to 30 minutes if i try, a movie is a full 2 hours... i am actively tuning out of the world to skip ahead to the part i like.

usually i calm before i storm.
perhaps this lethargy is a preparatory state to prepare for the onslaught of chaos to come in our move to oregon. i want it to happen like lightening. tax returns, buy a truck, fly up for interviews, find a home, a few weeks later we're packing the truck and trailer and heading out to our new home and life. ill work a ton, he'll work a ton, we'll come home to decorating projects and furniture purchases, we'll buy a dog, and bradley will ask me to marry him... GOD PLEASE GIVE ME THIS

when i think about the things i have asked for in the past: stardom, castles, scientific breakthroughs, secret societies, tribal islands, going down in history... it must be reasonable for at least this for me.

i know i can do anything.

i know my mind is greater than i know.

thoughts have mass.

we can bend time and space.

nothing is real.

everything is nothing.

GIVE ME GREEN GRASS GIVE ME MOUNTAINS GIVE ME TIDE POOLS GIVE ME TREES AND DESERTS AND RIVERS FUCKING OREGON SET ME FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

i hope no one reads this.

Friends: one to three is sufficient.

im a hermit

i hate everyone

not totally hate

just

im used to a certain quality of person. someone who likes what i like

not raving, not spending crazy $100s every night, not making small talk with people i dont care to know anything about, not talking about work, blablabla

i miss the people in oregon

dont give a fuck

just living

im afraid ill move there and be miserable all over

but it has to be better than here

the weather keeps me

thats it

i dont know how to rush bradley

he really doesnt want to rush

i want to go now

who in the world is more jealous than me?

i know all i do is complain

i want to cut it out

i want to get me back

i want to do yoga

i want to be in the sun

i have to stop allowing myself to get carried away in my head

trust

if you get lied to, deal

just trust so you can sleep at night

but really, what should i do...?

i'm still crying.

it hasn't stoppe yet.

i wonder if it will keep coming until we move.

i get so tunnel visioned that i cant tell when things are actually improving.

im not at a job i hate right now. im in my comfy bed, in a clean house, because i had time, because i wasnt at work.

im just so dissatisfied with my life so easily.

i want more.

i want to be singing.

really thats like where this post ends and my life begins but its just not real.

so bc i dont do what i really want, (singing), im constantly trying to cover for myself with new exciting things to make me feel skilled in some other way. bc i know it and you must know it by now that that really is all i will ever have going for myself.

so fuck.

i hate it here, i have to go. my motto.

i hate waiting.

its so hard being attached to another person.

i struggle constantly with myself as to if im being to sacrificial or too selfish at any given time. i dont know how to not put me first.

i feel like an asshole.

do you remember when i was happy?????

i swear to god i remember being happy. there was sun on my face and my feet in the grass and im surrounded by people i love and there is food and drink and games and everyone WANTS to be there. WHERE ARE YOU PLEASE COME BACK

soooooooooo wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll uhhhhhhhhhhhh

fuck.



hmmmm.





sooo




well i want to move. i quit my job. im unemployed again in san francisco. im reading a stephen sondheim script. im designing the set for a teen production from the harvey milk center at the randall museum. i need to go check out the space. its only a twenty minute walk. it wont happen today.

i already did all the dishes, made the bed in the second bedroom, made our bed, folded and put away all laundry, took down the xmas tree, cleaned the tables, cleaned the bong, played with the cat, ignored my texts, checked my email, applied for jobs, answered surveys for focus groups, smoked weed, played with hi-lighters, practiced writing lucille difoggio 100 times, watered the plants, weighed myself, ate nothing, poured water into a glass that stares at me from across the room, set up a desk in my room, and avoided reading the script.

i told my job i was done. i left early and i didnt come back. instead i went to the hmc and talked to this dude patrick about volunteering. he gave me nicola's card and i went home and emailed her. then i called my boss and told them it was over for good. the next morning i went to the hmc and spoke with nicola over an hour. i will be volunteering my services to the show Saturday Night for this month. in the future i will be technical director for another show? or perhaps the same show? she mentioned a stipend. the hmc is under the recreation and parks dept which i had aplied to in nov. i turned down the interview bc it was only parttime position. maybe an hr before this interview i happened to resubmit my application and call and leave a voicemail for this woman katherine dere. nicola told me she works with katherine dere and they handle all interviewing and hiring. she will rush my application and be a reference for me.

i should be happy. this is right. i just want it secured.

and i really need us to be abe to pay our rent this month.

bradley is having to sell records to cover his part of the rent bc we're just barely there. i borrowed $200 from my mom to cover a water bill and make it so we could eat this month...but its going toward rent. bradley is struggling. he works so much but he has so many bills of his own to try to keep up with. i know we will make it work but knowing that i onyl have one more paycheck coming to me before im absolutely out of cash is frightening.

we've been in much deeper water before.

we can do anything.

the real weight on my shoulders now is getting to portland.

i calculate we buy a car somewhere around $2500-$3000. something that can get us there and get us through. we want a truck.
then we get a trailer if necessary to haul any furniture etc that cant fit in the truck, somewhere around $175.
moving into a new place, even though in portland where it is so much cheaper, still requires a deposit and in a lot of cases 1st AND last month's rent. we're looking somewhere in the $2500 range.
then we have to have some savings to get ourselves groceries and toiletries for moving in which is like $300.

seems to me like we need $5500 to move.

divided by two is still $2750. and i DONT have a job any more............

why am i stressin? i moved here with $300.

cmon

we got this.

and we have time.

it just all seems too much to think about right now.

i should smoke and read and not read and wait.