i have ruined everything

i need help. please.

i'm losing touch with myself?

missing

guh.

living together. all i want is to hang out all the time and be around him all the time. is this hurting our relationship though? he used to be excited to see me. we used to go out. i feel like im losing him.
i know im not.
he wouldnt go anywhere. i just mean, losing interest. i want to excite. im just so dead lately.
loneliness is eating me, debt, discomfort. sf is bogus. i need $$$$$$$$$$$$.

im going to make some music. please give me positive attention.

every single day

i just keep crying. my face hurts so bad.
it wont stop. im solving every problem i can think to solve and im still so sad.
i have no one else to talk to. this isnt fair to bradley.
im so lonely.
im afraid bradleys friends are going to start noticing that i dont have any.
havent had a phone call in days.
yesterday i was just a wet heap on the floor in the bedroom when bradley came home.
im just so lonely.
this is why people get pregnant.

everything is so great

and i am so depressed

business idea

a cook book

about how to

reheat left-overs

in a way

that makes them

even

better

than

the first time.

love love

so much love talk to talk:

last weekend bradley and i went to a skate video premiere

great time, got wasted

after, on the walk home bradley told me he was going to marry me some day.

im in san jose this weekend for labor day with my dad

he wrote a song for my step bro's wedding and we are going to sing together

also found out he wrote a song about me and berg back in the day when we came to visit him. about summer lovin and how its good but fleeting.

and now, the kicker:

he also wrote a song about how my mom cheated on him...

never knew.

i've actually never asked either of them why they got divorced.

in my memory, they fought a lot, my dad worked in california, i remember them hitting each other once... it just made sense they would separate.

anyway, quite overwhelming all of it.

every piece of this post is as shocking and world shattering as anything ever could be. sorry i can't do it justice by explanation. i'm just quite, surprised i guess at my own cosmic hoopty ride this weekend.

i'd rather be lonely than happy with somebody else

if one, just one friend would call when they say they will, i'll feel like i have any.

today i got so, and i mean like raging, so sad because i wanted to go get dinner and a drink and my one someone didn't want to. totally legit not to want to. totally lame that i have NO other friends.

but i hate everyone.

i only like people who don't live here and they never call me back.

bradley is my best friend.

i'd be lost without him.

even more lost than i am now.

super thankful

highlights of today

american idol auditions were today in sf at at&t park

i did not attend as planned.

instead,

i moved the twilight movie to the #1 position in my netflix queue

and i dropped out of community college.

time to get really really high.

skool

its familiar but i feel superior

aka im a bitch

i dont want to make friends but im annoyed that no one tried

ugh

i have to make friends

its what i do

i want a study group like Community

potentials:

18 yr old girl in my camera class that said, "oh, you," today.

18-22 y/o girl i hate in gospel choir that stared at me smiling all day monday, clearly trying to be friends because i was the only other white person.

~20 y/o niko from theatre who laughed when i said, "he's just working out," as the emotional expression the dude posing as 'shocked' was tableau-ed in.

~20 y/o niko's gf who goes everywhere he goes.

i just need some more oldies and it'll be good.

...

i'm tired

been a long

i'm kind of lame.

having the best day being my lame ass self at home alone.

woke up to bradley kissing me. morning sex followed by a second sess.

shower make out.

post shower downtown from radley followed by aNOTHER round.

wild.

he went home. (which i love)

breakfast.

then i finished unpacking and setting up my room which is now amazing and beautiful.

ate a sandwich and drank a beer.

now im wathcing nutty professor 2, smoking weed, and lounging hard.

going to grab some beers with my boo later and pretty much live my dream.

jesus.

crazy.

new life

so, imagining a better life an materializing it.

sunny california

boats

community college

erica

hot young dudes

turtles

maybe oimb actually or smthg like it

gettin out of town will be amasing

trying to decide where i want to go next.

stomach ache

so much delicious shepherd's pie made with ingredients from the farmer's market bought with foodstamps.

adidaportland

next season on american idol:

simon: why are you here?

me: bc im the next american idol...but really, im just hoping to get closer to lee dewyze.

cookie party

all i think about is portland.

trip will be great. can't wait to see peeps.

erica and i are moving to oakland. jessie's coming.

bradley reminds me of jon timm in a creepy way.

i always liked jon timm but like it creeps me the ways he reminds me of him. just skinny, and not into being tough.

but then sometimes he is tough. but just so skinny.

i want to do whatever i want in portland.

4.23.2010

woke up at 8:45 in all of my clothes from last night, feeling dizzy.

found erica in katie's bed and the jundt's folding in the living room.

coffee breakfast at cafe flore, amazing.

byebye jundt's.

home, rat bowl.

walked to rei, got tan.

sweet tank,.

farted, i mean barted to lake merritt (accidentally of course).

oakland farmer's market tamale and cupcake, katie's work, diet cokes.

brick wall, burton bag, double coke.

moma.

f car, backwards.

the more you weigh, the more we pay!

pahy.

dlx.

tacobell/kfc.

blackbird photobooth.

rat bowl, rooftop, autophoto.

proj run.

am id.

erica: god, we ate terribly today.

erica's stomach: yep.

owwwwwwww.

barrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlph.

ok, can we plz b done blogging. omg rofl.

hella dang

erica's here. this is how life should always be.

last night was like the best night of my life.

got off work, ate delicious quesadillas and rice and salsa salad, went to the gayest man-bar of all time (like bears) where eric n i were the only women to have probably ever stepped foot inside the doors, watched american idol and glee (madonna special), drank nummy drinks and cheered at the tv while blazed out of our gourds.

im wild about bradley. we spent like a full 24 hours away from each other and i went wild for him today when i saw him for an hour.

i took the muni to his place straight from work.

he was so cute. i had to fuck him.

i left and met matt, al, cody at pilsner to get matt's keys. unlocked the door for erica waiting at the gate. drank a bud. now listening to boxcar racer in my bed, drinking wine, getting paid.

erica just now from her book, "hunchback! god, i love this!!"

doin gr8!

too good to be true?

i have never been so mushy and gay fag in my lyfe.

to be honest sometimes he creeps me out. but i still find myself saying these things i can't even believe are coming out of my mouth and instantly questioning and analyzing the sheer vulnerability i'm subjecting myself to and wondering if i'm not really just a devil in disguise.

can i really mean these things?

can i really posses these feelings?

of having a future? of being domestic? of traveling together?

how fast can i move? why aren't i stopping? it's like a drug.

awesome night at patches's'zzz, grilled cheese and tomato soup, sexy $exy time, bong rips, even awesome interaction/conversation with the roomies...i honestly questioned to myself tonight if he was going to someday murder me...

erica. please. come. meet him. and herlp mer firgure myr lirfe ourt.

i'm clearly incapable of sound logic or focused emotions.

(is he really the travis barker i pretend he is?)

my heart is melting all over the floor

drip.

barf.

lozin must

woke up unable to talk.

been reppin sexy rasp all day.

he wakes up at 8 and doesnt fall back asleep.

im trying so hard to let the dream take me back in.

distracted by the promise of morning sex i give in and after attempt at least a few more moments of sleep. but he is awake and chats until i respond making it impossible to get back.

i slept in his tshirt. my favorite of his.

its a thrasher shirt with a dude in a coffin and another dude doing a skate trick on the edge of the coffin. dude in the coffin's speech bub reads, "oh, you skate? who cares."

i get dressed and brush my teeth and rain drops show up on the window. he insists i wear his rain jacket home.

i go to safeway feeling like the warmest gf.

home from safeway i skate down my epic hallway on his skateboard that he left yesterday.

i make a frozen spinach and cheese organic pizza but while the oven is preheating i eat a small chicken ceasar pre-made salad. all the while taking bong rips and listening to blink 182.

kate comes home and we girl talk while i make some $ on the webs.

later he comes back over and we make out on my bed listening to blink. he goes, "this is like high school. i love it."

then we walk to the taco bell/kfc and i get a call from jessie. i ask him if he'll get my nachos when they call me and tho they've taken down my name and therefore he does not need it, he asks if he can have my receipt anyway. while on the phone with jessie outside i glance back inside and catch him watching me from the table.

we leave and stand on the street corner for a good five struggling to decide what to do. we choose happy hour but want to stop at my place to pick up his board.

at my place we find al and matt and kate who all want to go out as well. however, chatting leads to snacking leads to napping leads to hayley and jay dropping off al's old futon aka my new bed. i immediately find myself consumed in reorganizing my room and he quickly sneaks away back to his place.

i put my desk on the street and his art on my walls. i love a new setup.

by the time im done sean andries and kate cantwell are at my door to stay the night before their auditions for cirque du soleil tmw morning.

we get high and then matt and al and kate leave for shine.

bradley comes back over and we listen to music, buy and drink beers*, watch silly things on the interwebs, get higher, eat half a vicodin and then head to bed.

(*when we came home with the beers, kate and sean went to their car to get sleeping bags and bradley and i had crazy time in the kitchen. mo that led to hjs that led to some kitchen counter doggy style that lasted like 3 minutes before they got back with their things. just a tease but wow adventure town thrilling hot cukoo.)

he doesnt want to get sick and im sure he will so he goes home.

i lay in my bed and blog the best day in recorded history.

i may have the same mouth virus/infection/cold/illness my boss had last week in which she lost 9 lbs from not being able to eat for 5 days. she was in the hospital and hooked up to an iv for a couple of days.

i cant afford not to work.

id love to go crazy for BIN and stay home sick but still make money. i mean if in fact i have this crazy weight loss illness. (fingers slightly crossed)

its just nice to have a back up money making solution when feeling ill. and a desire to lose weight before going home to portland in the spring.

bradley told me he usually dates girls that are bigger than me and i reminded him that im huge (which mostly means that hes tiny).

last night we got in a fight over pubes.

i cant get enough of him.

he annoys me sometimes and i love it. because it makes it real and not so intense twilight tight.

im going to go read twilight and then when i wake up he's coming over with fixin's and kate's making biscuits and gravy. then bradley and i are going to see hot tub time machine.

part of me wants to get him sick so that he can go to the dr. and get meds for me too with his health insurance.

can't talk. can't sing. soul searching here i come.

weed brownie$

have y'all seen Fantastic Mr. Fox yet? GO WATCH IT NOW. awwwwe!

saw it two nights ago with bee rad. then the first half again last night with the roomies. then listened to the second half from my bedroom tonight while katie finished it.

lately i've been so into aim.

tonight i'm all working on the computer and katie and i decide to eat weed cookies her cousin gave her that she had in the freezer.

then twenty minutes after consumption annie cheah came over with weed brownies with REESE'S PIECE'S in them!!!!!!

i'm having a great night.

been working. diddy has a new name. ate a lean pocket. excited about my night alone at home (meaning without bradley bc we r obsessed w ea other and i have a toothbrush at his house). aim-ing with jill (iwearamonacle).

yeah.

thinking about snacks.

i've been lying to my dad about applying for new jobs

got to get a new job.

need that $crilla.

yesterday was beautiful. srs balance.

woke up and got mani/pedis with al down the street. cody got her a gift certificate for two to get mani/pedis and bottomless mimosas. on my fingers is "in my back pocket" and on my toes is "on the same paige."

then we went to the park where i got paid to work on my pute in the sun.

from there i took the train downtown to the mac store.

i had told bradley my appt was at 4:15 at the mac store if he was still skateboarding dt around then. i got there hella late, like 4:40 and didn't expect to see him at all. as i approached the door this adorable boy dropped his skateboard down the sidewalk and jumped on ready to ride away.

"Nooooo!"

I yelled at Bradley before he could get away from me. He had waited there for me just til then.

We went inside and they unfroze my phone again and Bradley and I decided to walk home so that he could show me his favorite skate spots along the way.

We went into Deluxe, this big skate shop, so he could buy shoe goo. In the display case were all the wheels Bradley designed and on the wall was one of the skateboards he had designed and one of Scott Cooper's right next to it. He told me the exciting part was that it was like that in skate shops all over the country. What a pimp.

We split ways and I ran into Katie, Matt and Al on their way home from the park. We went to Safeway and bought things to BBQ.

We fired up the grill and had some beers. Matt's brother John came over and so did B-rad. I had a gb AND a veg hotdog. amazing.

After dinner Bradley went home, I took a shower, Matt and John and I played scrabble and I came in 2nd to Matt, then I watched american idol on my comp until i fell asleep.

dream.

im wild about bradley.

srs boo bear.

i wish erica and jessie and blythe lived in my room with me.

real talk.

i'm losing myself

i don't know what's wrong with me.

tears.

im super critical and then i turn around and do the same thing. i fall so fast into sadness. one thing leads to the next. suddenly everything is annoying. and it brings the people around me down.

i've had a heavy week.

got in trouble at work for violating dress code, paycheck was way less than i expected, stress of company in town, flaking on bday parties for people who care, eating too much, not even enough sleep, caring about someone who doesn't care about flowers, no menstrual cycle for four months now, but still cramps, iphone frozen, disappointing any and all expectations of me.

i want to be young.

i want to make mistakes still without so many experts' reasoning and strategies. i want to discover for myself. everyone else's opinions are driving me crazy.

and i really just want to eat doritos all day.

there is so much sex in san francisco

the neighbor upstairs, Arjin

(all three upstairs neighbors are hot indian dudes)

fucks his gf 24/7

new found glory

i know ur jealous i'm going to see them tmw.
bradley said he's been checking the set lists from saves the day and he's super pumped.
we had both forgotten that we even bought tickets so drunkenly thursday night.

the tulips are dying.

i bought a new shirt today on the street for $1 and it's srsly verything i've ever dreamed of. purple, v-neck, small pocket, light cotton. ohwowee.

i'm making soft tacos.

i need to go thrifting tonight. i'm thinking i'll hit up thrift town after tacos.

some friends would be nice.

erica and i are moving to hawaii and going to community college. we're going to live on a boat and drive a scooter and learn about the ocean. there's a papyrus there.

whooooo$h

where to start?

i just discovered american idol episodes online. HUGE
(i want to audition.)

i'm trying not to make a big deal out of this, but i'm seeing this dude. gahh, i don't even know how to do this, i haven't blogged in a while. his name is bradley. (the moral of this story is that i already cheated on him, if you can even call it that.) he's from boston. he's fucking adorable.
okcupid. he messaged me on valentine's day. we met on a friday, which this book Luck tells me is very bad luck, "Never start a relationship on a Friday." we immediately hit it off.

we met on the corner of market, castro and 17th. i was smoking a cigarette and saw him from across the street. he was wearing skinny black jeans and a blue Thrasher crew neck sweatshirt. we walked to the atm and from there to the Pilsner. i bought him the first drink. he had a beer and i had a whiskey diet. we sat outside and conversation came easily. he bought the next round and we played pinball. i totally beat him. from there we came back to my place and took bong rips. then we went to Delerium and pounded tecates. i got drunk. we kissed on the street and then went back to his place where his roommates were having people over. we smoked weed and called a jew out on his jew nose. he held my hand and made me feel like he was showing me off to his friends. we left his place and came to mine where all my roommates were raging and i showed him off. we both agreed it was the best first date we've been on.

since then, we have seen each other every day. he's a graphic designer for a skateboard company. he's 5'6" and skinnnnnny. he has tattoos. he loves weed. he's super affectionate. we are super open about everything. it's totally ridiculous. mostly because i'm not wild about him, i just can't get enough of him. he's bf material.

cut back to last friday.
so it had been two weeks and we were hanging out at my place having some beers with the mates. sophie was over and said there was an underwater party in oakland that night. bradley didn't feel up for oakland but sophie and i were down to parrrrty. i had shotgunned 3 beers, drank 1.5, and a shot of whiskey by the time we left the house. we bought 22s and a pack of newports and headed to the party.

so the theme was pisces. everyone who lived in the house was a pisces and everything was decorated in an underwater theme. all the lightbulbs in the house were replaced with blue bulbs and there were decorations all over the walls in blue tape. things like surf boards and swordfish and sand castles and "get wet!" we walked in the party and were greeted by a lifegaurd. zinc on the schnozz and everything. through the kitchen we discovered a six foot sub and a ton of hot dudes in wet suits. out on the back porch we found the dj, full setup. there were tarps on the walls of the house, the floors and the ceiling of the outside area. the dj's name was noah and he played only music i love. there was a keg and once back inside kamakazi shots all up in my bidnis. sophie and i were outside smoking and spotted two dream boats dressed as fly fishermen. tall one and bearded one. i was all about tall-y. first thing he said to us was that we were idiots for bringing beer to the party. i loved that he was mean to me and shortly brought him inside to dance. we danced for a while before i asked if he was holding. he was. his name is jimi tutor and i rolled a joint of his weed. we smoked with hella peeps and danced and drank and smoked cigs and then pretty soon i found out that the dog at the party belonged to him so before i knew it, i was asking him to make out with me outside. he kissed my neck and held my hand, gave me his number and we were out. (but not before i lost my cell phone and found it underneath the six foot sub.)

since then i have been totally bradley obsessed.

last night we went out to elixir. totally risky. (especially because i suggested it after reading the bartender's facebook status about trivia night.) got drunk playing triv with some strangers that ended up making bradley feel uncomfortable to the point of us having to leave. it was the first time we had been on different pages and we both apologized to each other a million unnecessary times before we settled on rolling a blunt to get over it.

he calls me his boo.

his mom is coming into town next week and he asked me last night if i would be down to meet her while she's here.

i still like ranger. have i even blogged him? doesn't matter because he's a total turd. i'm just saying, if i make stupid decisions in the future, it shouldn't be a total shock.

that's so arrogant of me.

i've been an asshole lately. brutally honest and impulsive. i just want something specific. sooo, when i'm expressing my feelings/thoughts/opinions lately, i come off as a superficial bitch.




there are so many things to say and so few words.

think this every day

i feel like i lived today.

i must remember to do that more often.

we all slept in until one.
kate made fried egg sandwiches with two cheeses, grilled spinach and onions, coffee and mimosas. we went up on our neighbors deck where they have a patio set up and beautiful flowers.
we ate and drank together and then smoked cigarettes.

kate and i took the train to the beach and watched the sun behind the clouds.

we got burritos and nachos and watched i heart huckabees at home. immediately followed by synecdoche, new york.

cody came home and we smoked a joint.

waiting for matt to get back from vegas.

i want to stay up late tonight.

i have everything i need. think this every day.

jansanfran

ok. hello its the martian.

three jobs. all suck. all pay nothing.

many dates. no prospects.

good friends. bad feelings.

bouts of inspiration.

would like to make a task list of art projects and set deadlines.

examples:

re-decorate room

collage those styrofoam mannequins sitting in my room

hang poster

clean frames

sew up holes in all my rat clothes

finish writing this play

build props out of cardboard

make a terrarium

make an urban cowgirl outfit

paint my freaking nails

use lotion

learn to do makeup and DO it

cut my hair

wash my clothes and sheets more frequently

god this list is getting too real.

im feeling so strange.

had a talk tonight on my "date" with alex joseph about how some people are sooo focused on their career goals and where they envision their future selves with regards to their wealth and accomplishments, and others are sooo consumed in love and that is the only thing that matters and all other aspects of their lives are just to enhance the time they can spend together with their love.

i spend all my time equally dissatisfied in both. and perpetually thinking about how to better accomplish them both. and changing. constantly.

all the time i am thinking about boys and this partner in crime and this bff bf that will be my other me. but at the same time i am always thinking about all the things i must next accomplish in this tiny tiny time and whereas i can pretend it is my priorities causing my success in my travels, i dont know that its not just me that makes the boys run away so quickly after beginning anything. i could argue that i am too driven by my ideas of what will make me happy to focus my attention on attracting a mate, but then i can also argue that i spend much of my time flirting and dressing up and acting interesting and thinking of jokes and being super cute and impressive and still being alone. i want a man that wants to adventure with me on whims and in hurries, jumping at the same opportunities as me for whatever reason. saying yes. and because whatever it is we'll have each other so it will be a worthwhile experience, and sexy.

2010 has been such a year of balance. everything has to be a lot this and a lot that. and unfortunately, i need to be a lot independent right now. i'm assuming this will then lead to a lot partnership after while.

i'd love to stop eating.

i had four bowls of cereal today. there was something in the malt o meal capn crunch, "Berry Crackles," that just had me coming back bowl after bowl today.

god help me.

i want to stay up late with someone outside.

accepting applications.