impossible to explain the complexities of this misery

i am such a bitch

this blog is so self loathing

the pain in my head goes like this:
$3 in my bank account
unemployed
no motivation to walk up the hill 20 mins to volunteer for smthg that could turn into work
waking up crying and convulsing from a dream where bradley leaves me
EVERY DAY spraying flea-be-gone, vacuuming, bathing the cat, homeopathic remedies, garlic, etc...and still having 104 flea bites on my body. might as well be chicken pox
i clean and i clean and i clean and it just gets messy
just remembered a dream i had where i found a purse full of quarters and cried with joy that i could do laundry...pathetic
NO FRIENDS
i actually ignore the texts and voicemails from the few who attempt to contact me bc a. i can't afford to hang out b. i cant swallow my pride to admit this c. i dont want to talk about how sad i am, and thats all i am
i want to throw in the towel
im lethargic, apathetic, exhausted...its like the density of space has increased around me and i cannot move through it
i feel as though ive lost myself and my will to live.

this is so retarded.
i have bradley. hes what i want. always wanted. HOW IS THIS NOT WORKING TO MAKE ME HAPPY

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

what the fuck, then?

im hurting him, i know, by being this way. who wants to surround themselves all day with someone who has given up?

it gives me the dreams and the shakes of being left, im setting myself up for this.

i know its about discipline. my mind. reason over emotion. distraction.
i let myself sink into the pain, sado-masochistic.

im a mover.

i want to come home.

a home.

bradley and i, attached garage that we can build skate ramps in, a pug in the yard, buster basking in the sunlight, we drive a truck to work and the grocery store, we have people over for american idol, we have a bbq, i make calls, i take calls, i love my friends...

is that the issue? whats the issue? what is this friend thing????

i love katie AND sophie AND dakota, A TON. why don't i hang out with them? why do they like their jobs? why do they like this city? where are they getting all this money? what do they feel when they wake up in the morning?

instantly i feel anxious. i know that he's going away for ten hours, i know we can only kiss before he's already gone. then it sets in, what am i going to do for the next ten hours? its disgusting to be typing this in its honesty. i used to love alone time, me time. because it was so rare. i would get excited to be alone and just smoke a bowl alone and watch a shitty show, or do a craft project, or cook for myself, or read my book, or (im picturing every one of these activities in my studio in eugene and i think that is a very interesting point to make that i felt my most independent and secure in that space, in that time. if i think about it, i had just been dumped, was working incredibly hard at school and work, a million friends just around the corner, plenty of food and shelter and expenses paid, freedom and transportation.) now every day is a struggle to make it to the end. there are things i can and should do but the drive is not there and the incentive is not there. i try to find ways to pass hours at a time. cooking something can take an hour, showering and shaving can stretch up to 30 minutes if i try, a movie is a full 2 hours... i am actively tuning out of the world to skip ahead to the part i like.

usually i calm before i storm.
perhaps this lethargy is a preparatory state to prepare for the onslaught of chaos to come in our move to oregon. i want it to happen like lightening. tax returns, buy a truck, fly up for interviews, find a home, a few weeks later we're packing the truck and trailer and heading out to our new home and life. ill work a ton, he'll work a ton, we'll come home to decorating projects and furniture purchases, we'll buy a dog, and bradley will ask me to marry him... GOD PLEASE GIVE ME THIS

when i think about the things i have asked for in the past: stardom, castles, scientific breakthroughs, secret societies, tribal islands, going down in history... it must be reasonable for at least this for me.

i know i can do anything.

i know my mind is greater than i know.

thoughts have mass.

we can bend time and space.

nothing is real.

everything is nothing.

GIVE ME GREEN GRASS GIVE ME MOUNTAINS GIVE ME TIDE POOLS GIVE ME TREES AND DESERTS AND RIVERS FUCKING OREGON SET ME FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

i hope no one reads this.